Day: 20

I hesitate to say this, but the martyrs have it easy… in a way. Even though they suffered greatly during their time on earth, they are now free! Once free from the body, they are truly living like they never have before – in eternal bliss, united with the King of the universe.

However, their wives and loved ones do not have it so easy. They will live on without their spouses, fathers, and sons, burdened with new hardships, fresh grief, and a thousand questions for God.

This is the story of Pauline Ayyad.

Rami’s Story

Rami Ayyad ran a Christian bookshop in the Gaza Strip. Living in Gaza wasn’t easy. On the Mediterranean coast bordering Israel to the east, Gaza is labeled one of the most densely populated, impoverished, and volatile pieces of land in the world. With two children and a third on the way, Rami and his wife, Pauline, struggled to make a meager living. Located on the Mediterranean coast bordering Israel to the east, Gaza is labeled one of the most densely populated, impoverished, and volatile pieces of land in the world.

But Pauline lived with the assurance that God had a purpose for them in Gaza – to serve the needs of the community and share the love of Christ with their neighbors. God definitely had a purpose for her life, but her calling was nothing she ever would have chosen voluntarily.

On October 7, 2007 at 4 p.m., Rami was locking up the bookshop after another day of work before heading home. A vehicle raced around the corner and halted beside him. Several men jumped out, pounced on Rami, and threw him in the backseat. Rami, shaken and confused, could not identify who the men were. One of them handed him a phone and said to call home. Pauline answered. “I’m going with some young men somewhere, but I’ll be home soon,” her husband reassured her. That was the last time Pauline would hear Rami’s voice.

Leaders of the Bible Society immediately contacted the police and, within hours, many were searching for Rami. It was not until 2 a.m. the next morning that Rami was found. His body was taken to the hospital and identified. He had been brutally tortured and then shot twice, a bullet in the head and in the chest.

“It was a big shock for everybody,” said the leader of the Palestinian Bible Society. “We don’t know what took place, but we believe there was an attempt to force him into something that he didn’t want to be, maybe into the religion of Islam. But we know that a fundamentalist group did it, probably it was the Militant of Islam, and that the government in Gaza [Hamas] didn’t do much about it.”

A Journey Towards Forgiveness

Pauline was able to move to Israel eventually, but living in a wealthy, free society only increased her bitterness.

“My husband had carried everything on his shoulders. He took care of us,” Pauline said. “I didn’t know how I could do it on my own.” Pauline’s part-time job did not pay enough to provide food for her children, let alone a roof over their heads. Her eldest son suffered from learning disabilities and needed special care, and her newborn child was a handful. Her burdens were too heavy, and her world felt like it was crashing in around her. Above all, Pauline missed her husband dearly.

“I was so broken after the death of my husband, and I hated the people who did it,” Pauline said. “Many of my Christian friends would tell me, ‘You are a child of God, you should forgive.’ When I heard this, I thought, ‘This is nonsense; it’s ridiculous.’

Pauline could think of nothing but vengeance on those who murdered her husband, and she found herself growing bitter towards everyone around her, even those who tried to help. Questions raveled through her head: “Why did this happen to Rami? Why would God allow it?” The anger lasted for months until Pauline could no longer carry the burden:

“I cried out, ‘God, I know I need to forgive, but I can’t. I want complete forgiveness. I didn’t want to forgive and then curse my child when they came asking for their dad. I wanted to truly forgave those (destroyed) my life, my family, and my husband.”

Finally, it became apparent to Pauline that Rami’s death had been God’s plan all along. She realized that “God wanted Rami home. He didn’t want anybody to interfere. God wanted Rami to be with Him that day and called him home. That was the bottom line. It was then that the Lord poured over me forgiveness for those who killed Rami and those who I used to blame.”

God broke through the boundaries of Pauline’s stony heart, where she had built up a fortress of bitterness and resentment built with the raw materials of grief and despair. Her life completely changed after that breakthrough, and she became a completely new personal, free of forgiveness and joy.

Even though God has a purpose for the suffering of his beloved people, he also feels the pain of those deeply affected by the loss of their loved ones. When Jesus heard that Lazarus was ill, he intentionally waited until Lazarus had been dead for three days before he came into town. “Now Jesus loved Martha and her sister and Lazarus. So, when he heard that Lazarus was ill, he stayed two days longer in the place where he was.”

Jesus could have immediately healed Mary and Martha’s dear brother, yet he waited. The passage states that this was as a result of his love for Mary and Martha! He wanted them to witness a great miracle that he was about to perform, a symbol of his own death and resurrection.

Despite his greater purpose for Lazarus’s death, Jesus felt great compassion and sorrow for Mary and Martha: “When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in his spirit and greatly troubled.”

But Jesus’s purpose prevailed over His compassion and their temporal, earthly pain.

I suspect it was the same for Pauline. God was working in Pauline’s heart to shape her into a woman of amazing grace through the tragic loss of her husband and her world.

(When I realized God’s will) “I became a totally new and positive person, full of forgiveness,” Pauline said. “It was a gradual process where Jesus had to touch my heart and heal me. Now, even in my weak moments, the Lord closes the door and removes my doubts. ‘That’s it,’ He says. ‘You are forgiven and you have forgiven.’ After that, I started thanking the Lord for the cross that he gave me. I started feeling that His yoke is light, and God gave me the strength to carry it.”

Eventually, Pauline was able to carry with grace and pride the cross she was given to bear. “The Lord told me, ‘It’s not everybody who gets to be called a martyr’s wife and it’s not everybody who gets to be called the child of a martyr. That’s a great honor.”